My daughter Katie was only a second-grader when she used a phrase I didn't think I'd hear for years. “I'm not popular,” she announced matter-of-factly at dinner one night. “Me and Izzy think Zoe is the most popular girl in our class.”

Instantly, I found myself defensive on her behalf, eager for my daughter to be every bit as popular as Zoe. “But you have lots of friends!” She looked back at me, seeming a bit confused. “I know,” she said. “But Zoe is popular.”

I had missed the point. At 8, Katie understood the difference between friendships and the high social status that is popularity, a distinction that kids sense—and can begin to play to—as early as preschool. “Even very young kids know who has the social power in the classroom,” says Tracy Vaillancourt, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Ottawa, “and by fifth or sixth grade, popularity can become nearly all-consuming.”

Well-meaning parents (like me) encourage their kids to pursue popularity—as if it were synonymous with success. It's not. What makes kids outcasts in school—usually an unwillingness to conform—often translates into success as an adult. Many companies—including Yahoo!—prioritize hiring quirky individuals who shun conventional thinking. When you grow up, you see that the most popular kids aren't necessarily the ones who come out on top, but you don't understand that when you're 11. Social science researchers are emphatic that it doesn't guarantee adoration, either. “Being popular is not necessarily about being well-liked,” says journalist Alexandra Robbins, who studied school society for her book The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth. “It's more about clawing your way to the top of the social hierarchy and then working your tail off to stay there.”

New Jersey mom Nanette Jenkins* recalls a scene that played out at her daughter's grade school. “When Anna was in fourth grade, there were two girls who would invite another girl to hang with them during recess. They'd tap the chosen girl on the shoulder. They'd sit apart and gossip,” recalls Jenkins. Sometimes they'd go as a group and say mean things to another kid's face. “Even though Anna didn't care about those girls—she thought they were both ‘pretty dumb’—and knew what they were doing was wrong, she confessed she was hurt because she'd never been tapped.”

Elementary school kids, then, are just as susceptible to social striving as their older sibs. Even at this age, there are signs of who the future prom kings and queens may be, says University of California-Davis sociology professor Robert Faris, Ph.D., author of a recent study on the topic. “Young children express this in terms of who is (and isn't) a desirable play partner.” Some children are rejected—and others are quite “popular”—from the start of kindergarten.

Vaillancourt agrees, saying it's the kids who are dramatically better (or worse) behaved than the norm who are typically rejected early on: “They understand who sets the rules, including which kids get to play. The others need to conform, or at least not challenge them.” To understand your child's world, “listen for who always decides on the games and how they're played,” notes Vaillancourt. “These are the early abuses of power that get bigger.”

With boys, the barometer of popularity is, almost universally, athletic ability. “In second grade—second grade!—the very athletic boys segregated themselves to one lunch table,” says Sheila Hahn of Potomac, MD. “My son refers to it as the ‘popular table.’ The head honcho is mean to many kids and ‘freezes out’ my son.” Hahn's son recently became “obsessed” with lacrosse. “I think he sees it as a way to gain a seat.” Hillary Bessiere is the mom of twin 11-year-old boys in San Mateo, CA. Though physically identical, one boy is a star athlete, while his brother leans toward drama club. “Kids feel they have to invite both to parties. This sometimes results in neither getting invited,” she says.

Recently, Faris and other researchers began documenting the dark side of popularity. He found that, surprisingly, the most popular kids are hit with more peer pressure. Contrary to the movie image of the dorky kid doing anything to be popular, more often it's the popular kid doing anything to stay that way. Other studies bear this out, showing a correlation of popularity with poor grades and a higher tendency to drink, have early sex, and even shoplift.

To read more from this parenting.com article click here: http://www.parenting.com/article/popularity?page=0,2

What do we want most for our kids? Well-being, close relationships—and better grades would be nice, too. Research points to a single factor that can play a role in achieving all these types of big dreams: optimism.

Optimism is not smiley-face balloons and tickled Elmos but rather, experts believe, a practical skill that can help kids negotiate a lifetime of challenges. “Optimism is a positive feeling about the future—a confidence and faith that things will work out,” says Christine Carter, Ph.D., a sociologist at the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley, and the author of Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents ($15,amazon.com).

Bolstered by that confidence and faith, optimists see their troubles as temporary and don’t take them personally. For example, if a friend doesn’t sit with her on the bus, an optimistic child will conclude that her pal just wanted to catch up with the girl three seats back. “Optimists don’t attach big explanations to little events,” says Tamar Chansky, Ph.D., a psychologist in Philadelphia and the author of Freeing Your Child From Negative Thinking ($16,amazon.com). “They don’t supersize problems.”

In contrast, “when something goes wrong, a kid with a pessimistic mind-set thinks that meanseverything will go wrong—and that she must have done something to make it happen,” says Chansky. In the bus example, a pessimistic child will think, She must hate me. I’m so boring. No one ever wants to be my friend.


To continue reading this article from Real Simple click on the link: http://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/emotional-health/optimistic-kids-00100000108083/index.html

How can I better understand my child's temperament?Some children are "easy." They are predictable, calm, and approach most new experiences in a positive way. Other children are more difficult, not able to manage their emotional experiences and expression with ease. When a child's personality doesn't quite fit or match that of other family members, it can be a challenge for everyone. Of course no child is one way all the time, but each has his own usual type.

The ease with which a child adjusts to his environment is strongly influenced by his temperament - adaptability and emotional style. For the most part, temperament is an innate quality of the child, one with which he is born. It is somewhat modified (particularly in the early years of life) by his experiences and interactions with other people, with his environment and by his health.

By the time a child has reached the school years, his temperament is well defined and quite apparent to those who know him. It is not something that is likely to change much in the future. These innate characteristics have nothing to do with your own parenting skills. Nevertheless, the behavioral adjustment of a school-age child depends a lot upon the interaction between his temperament and yours, and how others respond to him - how comfortably he fits in with his environment and with the people around him.

Characteristics of temperamentBy being aware of some of the characteristics of temperament, you can better understand your child, appreciate his uniqueness, and deal with problems of poor "fit" that may lead to misunderstandings and conflicts.

There are at least nine major characteristics that make up temperament.

• Activity level: the level of physical activity, motion, restlessness or fidgety behavior that a child demonstrates in daily activities (and which also may affect sleep). 
  Rhythmicity or regularity: the presence or absence of a regular pattern for basic physical functions such as appetite, sleep and bowel habits.
  
• Approach and withdrawal: the way a child initially responds to a new stimulus (rapid and bold or slow and hesitant), whether it be people, situations, places, foods, changes in routines or other transitions.
  
• Adaptability: the degree of ease or difficulty with which a child adjusts to change or a new situation, and how well the youngster can modify his reaction.
  
• Intensity: the energy level with which a child responds to a situation, whether positive or negative.
  
• Mood: the mood, positive or negative, or degree of pleasantness or unfriendliness in a child's words and behaviors.
  
• Attention span: the ability to concentrate or stay with a task, with or without distraction.
  
• Distractibility: the ease with which a child can be distracted from a task by environmental (usually visual or auditory) stimuli.
  
• Sensory threshold: the amount of stimulation required for a child to respond. Some children respond to the slightest stimulation, and others require intense amounts.
  

How temperament affects children and their parentsEvery child has a different pattern of the nine temperament characteristics. Many, but not all, children tend to fall into one of three broad and somewhat loosely defined categories: easy, slow to warm up or shy, or difficult or challenging. These labels are a useful shorthand, but none offers a complete picture of a child. Many parents find it more useful to think about their child in terms of the nine temperament traits.

The easy child responds to the world around him in an easy manner. His mood is positive, and he is mildly to moderately intense. He adapts easily to new schools and people. When encountering a frustrating situation, he usually does so with relatively little anxiety. His parents probably describe him as a "joy to be around." About 40 percent of children fall into this category.